On just being me…

08Jan12

I am back to my blog after a long time. I’m glad I took a break because I think (and hope) I have matured a lot in my life as a Jew. Well, maybe I have not matured as much as I’d like yet, but I am getting there.

When I first discovered Judaism, I was fascinated, enthralled, totally obsessed with everything related to it. In the beginning there were literally a few sleepless nights just because I wanted to read more. I can only remember feeling anything similar when I fell in love for the first time. I was in love I think – except that this time with something even more complicated than a man.

And I think I am still in love with Judaism, but just like my love with my husband matured, I believe my love of Judaism and of just being Jewish is also maturing.

Partly it’s because I am realizing that this is a journey and that I do not have to do everything at once, nor will I be able to. I will do my best to live an honest and good life following the principles of Judaism which I have come to love and believe in so dearly. I know I won’t always succeed, but I will give it my best try and when I miss the mark, I’ll try again.

I will also not try to be something I am not nor fit anyone’s stereotype of anything. On this journey I have been confused by a number of things – partly because of the strange way into which I ran into Judaism, which was thru genealogy. I do have Jewish ancestors and I am proud of that, but I also have many other ancestors. On my dad’s side there is a huge mix of Portuguese, Portuguese Conversos, Brazilian natives and even Germans. My mom’s side, which has most of the Jews I found, is less mixed because there was a tradition of only marrying cousins, but even so we are Brazilians, hybrids par excellence, and even when not in blood, definitely by culture.

There is a wonderful movement of people rediscovering the Anusim/Converso roots of their families such as I did and reclaiming their Jewish heritage. I think this is great! However, the unfortunate side of this is there are already many trying to take advantage of this for their own purposes, whether they be political, religious or purely idealistic. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t want anyone’s agenda on my personal journey, especially because I’m not going to fit most people’s romantic ideas about “secret Jews”. I suspect most Anusim actually don’t – after all we’re all just humans – but from the forums I read online I can tell many try very hard to fit into this stereotype, probably in order to be accepted.

For my part, I will try to be realistic. I am a Jew because this religion found me and it fits my heart. I don’t know if I chose it or it chose me – probably both – but I have taken it up, I have embraced the Jewish people, I have made my promise to G-d to live as a Jew and I am eternally grateful that I can do it, because doing anything else was painful to me. It is the most beautiful religion that I know and I believe it is an honour to practice it.

However, I will not fabricate any illusions about my ancestors. Centuries ago there were Jews in my family and they were forced to convert and hide from the Inquisition. This is a history many know and that’s exactly what it is: history. A sad history, but a fact. Maybe some of them kept some traditions, but it’s also fact that over the generations Judaism was lost in my family. My mom, for example, who went to a Catholic school, is a happy Catholic.

And I am a Brazilian, a person of mixed heritage, as 99% of all Brazilians. That’s what makes us great!

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been in the mikvah and I am Naomi, 100% Jewish, but I will not stop recognizing that the richness that makes me, me includes Portuguese culture, African culture, Native Brazilian culture and even Arab culture – all the cultures that have greatly influenced Brazil or the Portuguese.

I will also not bow down to the whims of any Jewish denomination. It is sad there are so many divisions, but if the denominations cannot agree amongst themselves, I have thankfully met many Jews who do and do not give such importance to labels such as Reform, Conservative or Orthodox. I just want to be a Jew. I feel as comfortable praying at Chabad as I do at the Reform shul and right now I feel like I should not have to choose. So I won’t.

I am learning and will observe mitzvahs at a pace that I and my family (meaning my non-Jewish husband) can handle. I am sure that G-d will appreciate that I am doing my best. When I have children (which I really hope I will…), I will pass down Jewish values to them and hopefully ignite a love of Judaism in their hearts since I think there is so much to learn from it.

I think that this is the best I can do.

 

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